SIX BIG TEN TEAMS LOST ON SATURDAY, OCT. 24, AND THEY SCORED 57 POINTS COMBINED. That is 9.5 apiece. The twelve teams on the slate averaged 16.5. Indiana and Michigan were tied 6-6 after regulation on four field goals and zero touchdowns, then needed overtime to finish 13-6. Minnesota beat Iowa 13-10 in a game with 16 combined punts, nine from the Gophers and seven from the Hawkeyes, and the two teams went a combined 6-of-31 on third down.

I watched every snap. I want a refund from the sport.

Then I opened Heavyweights and felt the same nausea, because this league plays the same brand of football. The lowest score of the season is 52.36. The second-lowest is 57.96. Those are punts with a decimal point. So I matched every team to the Big Ten program it most resembles. Twelve teams, twelve schools, no repeats, ranked from most watchable to least.

Yes, five Big Ten offenses actually function: Ohio State, Nebraska, Northwestern, UCLA and Indiana. They go to the competent managers. Everyone else gets what they earned. BOOKMARK THIS.

1. Joe Buck Yourself (Ryan Weaver) = Ohio State

Ohio State leads the Big Ten in scoring (39.3) and total offense (476.3). Weaver leads Heavyweights with 877 points, opened the season with a 199.3 that nobody has come within 26 points of, and sits at 49-17 in all-play. Both have exactly one loss. The Buckeyes lost 24-23 at Texas on Sept. 12. Weaver lost 116.32-92.86 to Kevin Jones in Week 6, his lowest score of the year. Julian Sayin hurt his throwing arm against Indiana, and Ryan Day says he is planning for the chance he misses the rest of the regular season and the postseason, per the AP. Weaver's streak reads L1. I told you to sit down. Stay down for the next one.

2. bcunnion (Ben Cunnion) = Northwestern

Northwestern is third in the Big Ten in scoring at 34.7 PPG, ahead of Indiana, Oregon, USC, Penn State and Michigan. It dropped 502 yards on Rutgers with 69.2% on third downs. Ben is third in Heavyweights in points (747.22), has won three straight, and has not scored under 103.96 in a single week. After Northwestern beat Penn State 34-13, Penn State coach Matt Campbell said, per Bleacher Report, 'we lacked it in every way, shape and form tonight.' That is Ben's whole season. The three-time champ named his team after his own login and still ranks second on my Believe List. Barnwall can scream into a spreadsheet.

3. TacoDreams (Nick Inman) = Indiana

Indiana scores 33.6 a game, and Josh Hoover has 18 TD to 1 INT. Then came 13-6 in overtime on 212 total yards, 4-of-14 on third down and seven punts. Nick has the same split personality: 165.28 in Week 5, 141.98 the week before, 40-26 in all-play, W3. Then there is 87.74 in Week 3. Indiana lost 19-15 to Ohio State when an apparent go-ahead touchdown on 4th-and-4 was ruled incomplete because Nick Marsh's left foot came down out of bounds, per AP via yourvalley.net. Nick's version was losing 104.04-87.74 to Brian Jones. His foot came down out of bounds that week too.

4. ParmBijan Cheese (Trent Harley) = UCLA

UCLA is 7-0 with six passing touchdowns all season, tied with Michigan for the fewest in the Big Ten, against 24 rushing TDs. It beat Oregon 17-15 in a game with 10 total turnovers while going 25% on third down. Trent is 6-0 with a luck delta of 0.379, a W6 streak and the league's lowest points against, 598.58. Two of his wins came against teams that scored 52.36 and 60.7. I said I wasn't taking questions about this man at 6-0 and I'm still not taking them, because scoreboards don't have asterisks. UCLA also beat Maryland 54-3 with two pick-sixes. Trent's schedule has been that generous.

5. 4th and 20 (Evan Sinn) = Nebraska

Nebraska is second in the Big Ten at 35.6 PPG with only four giveaways, and it is 0-2 in one-score Big Ten games. It put up 392 yards in a 20-17 home loss to Indiana, then 242 in a 17-14 loss at Oregon, where an accidental kneel-down on a low snap to punter Archie Wilson set up a field-goal drive (AP via OPB). Evan went 154.16 in Week 5 and 97.3 in Week 6, losing to Elliott. He is 2-4 on 732.44 points with a luck delta of minus-0.197. The two-time champ finished 11-3 last year, and the luck went somewhere.

6. Diamond Dogs (Justin Waitt) = Purdue

Purdue scores 31.3 a game and still sits at 3-4. It put up 38 at UCLA and lost by 14, then lost 38-26 at home to Washington even though Washington finished minus-3 in turnover margin. Justin has 764.52 points, second-most in Heavyweights, and a 2-4 record. He opened 172.76 and 160.82, and since then he has not topped 115.9. L4 and a luck delta of minus-0.242. His opponents have scored 812.5 against him, the most in the league. Buy this man a defense. Wait, there isn't one.

7. All Gas No Drakes (Elliott Simmonds) = USC

USC passes for 303.6 a game, beat Fresno State 39-0 (Sept. 4), and lost 24-7 at Wisconsin (Oct. 24) on -17 rushing yards and 241 total yards. Jayden Maiava went 31/50 for 258 and was sacked five times for 57 yards. Elliott went 157.04 in Week 4 and 57.96 the week before. That swing is the most USC thing in Heavyweights. His all-play is 33-33, perfectly average, and his team name has a hole where the Drakes should be.

8. Wade for Heisman (Kevin Jones) = Washington

Washington lost three straight (27-24 to Minnesota, 25-21 to USC, 41-24 to Iowa), converting 10.0% of its third downs against Minnesota and 8.3% against USC. It snapped the skid with a 38-26 win at Purdue despite going minus-3 in turnover margin. Kevin lost Weeks 3, 4 and 5 (135.54, 85.30, 87.04), then beat Weaver in Week 6 while Weaver was posting 92.86. Three-time champion, 3-3, 28-38 in all-play. The trophies are old. The team name is a pun, and the lineup is the punchline.

9. Cameron Crazies (Brian Jones) = Iowa

Iowa is 5-2 on a 20-19 win over Michigan while being outgained 429-285, and a 16-13 win over Iowa State on 284 yards. Then the bill came due Oct. 24: a 13-10 loss at Minnesota with four turnovers and seven punts. Jones is 3-3 with the worst all-play in Heavyweights, 20-46, and a luck delta of 0.197. All three of his wins came against teams that scored 105.42, 87.74 and 94.84. He owns a 2017 ring and three runner-up finishes, which is more hardware than this lineup deserves. He is 615.64 points of pure Hawkeye.

10. ArabMamba6 (Ryan El Masri) = Maryland

Maryland scores 28.3 a game and is 2-5, with 12 straight Big Ten losses. The Terps blew a 10-point second-half lead in a 37-30 home loss to Rutgers (Field Level Media). They also lost 54-3 to UCLA with four Malik Washington interceptions, two returned for touchdowns. El Masri is 2-4 with 646.94 points, and the points against, 798.92, are the second-most in the league, including a 199.3 and a 160.82 in his first two weeks. His two wins came against a 57.96 and the 0-6 team. Even the scoring isn't the problem. The problem is everything else.

11. Chase Greatness (John Penney) = Michigan

Michigan is 4-3 on 20.3 points and 300.6 yards a game. It beat Penn State 21-18 with all 21 points coming off Penn State turnovers (Philadelphia Inquirer), then lost 13-6 in overtime to Indiana without a touchdown. Penney is 3-3 on 586.52 points, second-fewest in Heavyweights, with a 21-45 all-play and a luck delta of 0.182 that says the record is a loan. Now the bill: 60.7 in Week 5, 82.7 in Week 6, L2. Chase Greatness is a name that now reads like a dare.

12. Sir, TheyHitThe2ndBowers (Ollie Simmonds) = Michigan State

Michigan State has lost six straight, scores a league-worst 19.9 PPG, and managed 3 points on 235 yards at Wisconsin. Ollie is 0-6 with the league's fewest points, 582, and the worst luck delta, minus-0.318. His last two losses came at 122.14 and 122.94, to opponents who posted 130.9 and 130.94. Spare me the luck talk. A 79.6, a 52.36 and a 76.38 sit in the same file. Both are winless where it hurts: Ollie is 0-6, and Michigan State is 0-5 in the Big Ten. Rock bottom, ranked 12th, and watchable only from behind a couch.

The six spared

Illinois punted eight times in a 21-10 win over Oregon and threw for 89 yards, and still no fantasy team earned it. Minnesota's 2-of-15 on third down and nine punts were too ugly even for this league. Oregon scored 84 on an FCS team. Penn State's four straight losses are punishment enough, and Wisconsin, whose Colton Joseph went 12/14 for 58 yards in a win over USC, is safe. Rutgers, 9-of-27 for 100 yards with two interceptions against Northwestern, is the luckiest of the six, because Ollie was already booked. Rutgers, you are welcome.

Weaver is the only offense in Heavyweights I'd pay to watch. The rest of you are on notice.