Four weeks in, and the record column is already lying to most of you. I say this every year, I will say it every year until Costanza agrees to print all-play next to the standings in the official record book, and I will be right every single time. Let's go.

1. Long Hair Dont Care — Charlie Koepsell (3-1, all-play 42-10) Charlie owns the best all-play mark in the league by two full games and is somehow not undefeated, which tells you everything about how unlucky a 3-1 team can be (luck delta -0.058). Joe Burrow put up 25.72 points, Jonathan Taylor added 22.7, and George Kittle chipped in 19 — and it still wasn't enough against Elliott's 164.54 burst. Travis Kelce's 4.5 and DJ Moore's 2.7 were the two anchors dragging this otherwise excellent lineup down. Obviously, this was the best loss of anyone's season.

2. DELAWARE CHICKEN FARMER'S — Elliott Simmonds (4-0, all-play 40-12) Yes, he's 4-0. Yes, he leads the league in points (607.84). No, he is not the best team in it, because the all-play table says so and the all-play table does not care about your feelings. Javonte Williams went off for 31.3, Romeo Doubs added 23.8, Malik Nabers chipped in 23.2 — a genuinely excellent week. His +0.231 luck delta says some of this undefeated record has been gift-wrapped. Enjoy the zero while it lasts, it's propped up by matchups, not margins.

3. Wisconsin Weezy — Justin Waitt (2-2, all-play 37-15) This is the most statistically aggrieved team in the league not named Evan Sinn. Thirty-seven all-play wins, a top-three points total in the circuit (547.7), a luck delta of -0.212, and a 2-2 record to show for it. Chris Olave's 19.6 and Jahmyr Gibbs's 17.7 weren't nothing, they just ran into Ben Cunnion's week. Justin should be furious. The numbers were never in question; the schedule just refuses to cooperate.

4. The Epitome of Brutality — Chris Boyle (2-2, all-play 31-21) Chris Boyle's actual roster is quietly more credible than his McBoyle alter ego's prose. Kenneth Walker's 30.9 and Carnell Tate's 21.5 carried a win over a 126-point Evan Sinn team in a genuine coin-flip, decided by AJ Barner's 2.7-point corpse of a TE slot. Fourth on all-play, ninth in the standings — not fraudulent, just buried behind three teams playing better ball than their record admits.

5. Tuten that thang up — Jamie Sinn (2-2, all-play 29-23) Chuba Hubbard's 25.9, Jared Goff's 20.48 and Dak Prescott's 18.1 weren't enough to survive Tareq Hafza's week, and a -0.058 luck delta says the schedule has been roughly fair to Jamie, which is the most boring sentence I'll write all article. Parker Washington and Courtland Sutton combined for 3.4 points, which is the actual problem here, not variance.

6. smg07f — Sean Gibbins (2-2, all-play 29-23) Kyren Williams's 36.7 and a Cousins-Kamara combo pushed Sean past Joe Hamm's 127, and his all-play ledger is tied with Jamie Sinn's, right down to the identical -0.058 luck delta. A perfectly median football team captained by a perfectly median username. Davante Adams's 7.2 is not what you drafted him for.

7. Evan Sinn (1-3, all-play 28-24) Here is your storyline of the year. Evan Sinn has built a career on soft schedules — ask anyone, ask me, I've been saying it since before this article existed — and in 2026 the schedule has finally turned on him with a vengeance, posting the single worst luck delta in the league at -0.288. CeeDee Lamb went for 41.3 points, Brock Purdy added 19.62, and Evan still lost to Chris Boyle because Ladd McConkey contributed a flat zero. He's tied for the seventh-best all-play mark in the league and sits 1-3. This is what actual bad luck looks like, and it is delicious to watch happen to this particular manager.

8. ShitCo Summer — Brian Jones (3-1, all-play 28-24) Sam LaPorta's 26.4 and Brock Bowers's 23.6 gave Jones a two-tight-end masterclass that crushed Ryan Weaver, but a +0.212 luck delta means the schedule has been kind, not the roster brilliant. Brian Jones is a 3-1 team the numbers rank eighth, propped up by that cozy luck delta and a points-for total (528.28) that doesn't match the win total.

9. bcunnion — Ben Cunnion (3-1, all-play 28-24) Nico Collins's 30.8 and Tee Higgins's 26.7 beat Justin Waitt, but Cunnion's all-play ledger is identical to Brian Jones's and his points total trails both tied teams badly. A +0.212 luck delta puts him on the list of managers I will be monitoring regardless of league, regardless of trophy case, permanently. The Fraud Watch does not retire.

10. Shadynasty — Tareq Hafza (3-1, all-play 25-27) A losing all-play record propping up a winning real one. Bijan Robinson and Puka Nacua both hit 27.7, which is the kind of week that papers over a +0.269 luck delta, the second-worst fraud score in the league. Cooper Kupp's 2.3 and Saquon Barkley's 2.0 are the real story under the hood.

11. Bannermen — Kevin Jones (3-1, all-play 16-36) The single most statistically indefensible 3-1 team in the Nevin Place Memorial League, full stop. A +0.442 luck delta is not a typo, it is the largest variance gift in this fact pack, and his all-play record of 16-36 would have most owners in last place. Emanuel Wilson's 27 and Zay Flowers's 25.8 carried him past Hunter Koepsell, and Rashee Rice's goose egg barely mattered. Enjoy the ride, Kevin. Gravity exists.

12. hunterk4 — Hunter Koepsell (0-4, all-play 14-38) A genuinely bad team, no asterisk required. Jaylen Warren's 15.6 topped a roster that mustered 95 total points against Kevin Jones's lucky charm, and a -0.269 luck delta says he's not even catching the breaks his record implies he should. A real 0-4, which at least has the virtue of honesty.

13. jhamm89 — Joe Hamm (0-4, all-play 11-41) Quinshon Judkins's 21.6 and Tucker Kraft's 19.5 were legitimately good outputs that lost to Sean Gibbins anyway, a theme for a roster with the second-worst all-play record in the league. Marcus Mariota's 5.34 from the quarterback spot is doing nobody any favors, including the ones watching this team on purpose.

14. Bock Bock Bitch — Ryan Weaver (0-4, all-play 6-46) Tetairoa McMillan dropped 45.2 points on this roster and Weaver still lost by 36, because Baker Mayfield and Justin Jefferson combined to produce exactly zero points between them. A 6-46 all-play record is the worst figure in this entire fact pack, not close, and it is the only honest number attached to this team all season.