Five weeks in and the Nevin Place Memorial League standings are, as always, lying to you. Real record is a lagging indicator contaminated by schedule luck, garbage-time touchdowns, and whichever manager happened to draw Ben Cunnion in a given week. All-play record is the only number that tells you who is actually good. I have made this case before. I will make it until someone in this league passes a statistics course.

The headline this week isn't Elliott Simmonds at 5-0, which is simply correct and boring. It's Justin Waitt sitting at 2-3 with the third-best all-play mark in the entire league, a -0.277 luck delta that should be criminal, and a 0.64-point Week 5 loss to Sean Gibbins that the standings will remember and the all-play table will not forgive me for ignoring. Meanwhile Kevin Jones is 3-2 with an 18-47 all-play record, which is not a fantasy team, it's a public health hazard that keeps winning coin flips.

1. Elliott Simmonds, DELAWARE CHICKEN FARMER'S (5-0, 53-12 all-play) — Drake Maye dropped 39.46 behind Nabers and McBride, and Joe Hamm never stood a chance. A +0.185 luck delta on top of a 53-12 all-play record isn't fraud, it's just dominance, and I resent how little material that gives me.

2. Charlie Koepsell, Long Hair Dont Care (4-1, 47-18) — Beat Kevin Jones comfortably despite Josh Allen hanging 31.5 on him, because Mike Evans (26.3) and Joe Burrow (24.6) were both working. The all-play table and the actual record agree here, which happens about twice a season and I'm obligated to note it.

3. Justin Waitt, Wisconsin Weezy (2-3, 44-21) — Gibbs went for 37.7 and Waitt still lost by 0.64 to Sean Gibbins. A -0.277 luck delta is the worst sob story in this league, and the all-play table says he's a top-three team wearing a 2-3 costume.

4. Jamie Sinn, Tuten that thang up (3-2, 41-24) — Dropped 177.28 in a blowout of Evan Sinn, with Parker Washington going for 30.4. Quietly sitting on the third-most points in the league while everyone's distracted by Elliott.

5. Chris Boyle, The Epitome of Brutality (3-2, 41-24) — Isaiah Likely for 37.9, Jaylen Warren for 36.8, and still started Tyson Bagent, who returned 3.18 points like a man who forgot he had a bye-week QB to stream. Boyle's team wins in spite of his own lineup card.

6. Brian Jones, ShitCo Summer (4-1, 39-26) — A +0.2 luck delta propping up a 4-1 record that the all-play table grades as merely good, not great. Christian Watson's 32.3 bailed out a Chris Bell start that returned 2.6, which is the Brian Jones experience in miniature.

7. Sean Gibbins, smg07f (3-2, 37-28) — Won by 0.64 over Waitt in the closest game of the week, got 22.1 from Davante Adams, and still rosters Alvin Kamara, who contributed 2.6. A perfectly median team that keeps finding ways to win the games that matter.

8. Tareq Hafza, Shadynasty (3-2, 34-31) — Puka Nacua went for 37.7 and it wasn't enough against Brian Jones. Cooper Kupp's 3.5 and Hockenson's 2.2 are starting to look like a bye week Hafza forgot to plan around.

9. Evan Sinn, Evan Sinn (1-4, 29-36) — Started Jacoby Brissett AND Brock Purdy at quarterback while also starting Ladd McConkey for zero. A -0.246 luck delta means some of this is real misfortune, but starting two quarterbacks while a roster spot returns nothing is a decision, not a bounce.

10. Ben Cunnion, bcunnion (3-2, 28-37) — Lost 140.02-60.28 to Boyle this week and his +0.169 luck delta is the only thing keeping him above .500. Cunnion stays on my Fraud Watch list, and a luck delta this generous only builds the case. The numbers were never in question.

11. Kevin Jones, Bannermen (3-2, 18-47) — Josh Allen put up 31.5 and Jones still lost by nearly 36 to Charlie Koepsell, because his supporting cast featured Kenyon Sadiq (1.3) and RJ Harvey (0.7). An 18-47 all-play record attached to a winning record is, obviously, the single most indefensible profile in this league. I will be checking back on this.

12. Joe Hamm, jhamm89 (0-5, 17-48) — Jayden Daniels went for 32.26 in a loss to Elliott Simmonds that was never competitive. A -0.262 luck delta is real, but 0-5 against a 17-48 all-play backdrop means the schedule isn't the main problem.

13. Hunter Koepsell, hunterk4 (0-5, 17-48) — Identical all-play record to Joe Hamm, identical luck delta, fewer points for. Pat Freiermuth's 24 was the extent of the highlights in a loss to Ryan Weaver, which should concern everyone involved.

14. Ryan Weaver, Bock Bock Bitch (1-4, 10-55) — A 10-55 all-play record is, by a wide margin, the worst mark in the Nevin Place Memorial League, and he still beat Hunter Koepsell this week behind George Pickens' 28. Winning the week doesn't move the needle on a sample this bad.

Justin Waitt deserves better than 2-3. Kevin Jones does not deserve 3-2. Write both down.