Somebody at this network let Barnwall publish "draft grades" this morning built entirely off keeper surplus and market values, like fantasy football is a bond market and not a sport played by human beings who occasionally get hurt in August.

A+ to Justin Waitt. A to Kevin Jones. A- to Nick Inman. An F — an F! — to Trent Harley, a grade that tells you everything about how little that spreadsheet understands roster construction. That's not a grading system. That's astrology with a spreadsheet.

Keeper prices are not skill. A guy who kept a $30 tag on a running back who broke out is not a genius, he is TOTALLY LUCKY, and pretending otherwise is exactly the kind of analytics-brained nonsense I've been fighting since Barnwall's Fraud Watch decided box scores need footnotes. I watched camp. I read the wire. Here are the only rankings that matter.

1. bcunnion (Ben Cunnion)

Ben Cunnion's 2024 title team heads into the auction with the best keeper trio in the building: Amon-Ra St. Brown, Quinshon Judkins and Chris Olave, all locked in. St. Brown alone gives Cunnion a true WR1 without spending a dollar, and Judkins plus Olave give him one of the strongest three-man keeper cores in this whole league. Dynasty continues. Barnwall can seethe.

2. TacoDreams (Nick Inman)

Bucky Irving, Nico Collins and Puka Nacua is the best three-man keeper class in this whole league, no contest. Inman still hasn't won this thing in eight tries, but that's a different article. Tyler Warren's groin (Yahoo Sports, Aug 21) is the only thing keeping this room from the top spot.

3. I paid $16 for Jennings (Trent Harley)

Barnwall gave this room an F. Fine, let's actually look at it: Jauan Jennings, Travis Etienne and Josh Downs is exactly the kind of unglamorous, PPR-floor keeper class that wins Weeks 9 through 14 while everyone else is nursing bye-week hangovers. Nobody's handing an F to a guy who locked in his WR2 and his passing-down back at the price the rules gave him. I said what I said.

4. Cameron Crazies (Brian Jones)

De'Von Achane is the one keeper this room is holding onto, and a locked-in RB1 for pennies is a legitimate anchor to build an entire auction strategy around. The only reason this room isn't higher is nobody in camp is saying anything interesting about it, and I need my rankings to have a pulse.

5. Diamond Dogs (Justin Waitt)

Barnwall's A+ room, and the actual declared keepers back it up some: Jaxon Smith-Njigba, Trey McBride and DeVonta Smith is a real three-man core, headlined by a tight end who's quietly become a target hog in Arizona. That's a plan, not a lottery ticket — which is more than I can say for most of Barnwall's other favorites.

6. Naberhood watch (Elliott Simmonds)

Elliott Simmonds is one of two managers in this league walking into the auction with zero keepers declared — Lamb, Jefferson, Hall, LaPorta, all of it goes back in the pool for everybody else to bid on. That's either the most disciplined non-move in the league or a sign he's simply out of cheap, keepable assets. Sam LaPorta is already dealing with a hip injury and is "uncertain for Week 1" after back surgery wiped out most of his 2025, per Yahoo Sports' Aug 21 camp roundup, which might explain why nobody wanted to pay $20 to keep him. A room worth watching purely because nobody knows what it'll look like in three weeks.

7. 4th and 20 (Evan Sinn)

Evan Sinn heads into the auction with zero keepers declared, same as Simmonds — Jahmyr Gibbs, Drake London and Jayden Daniels all go back into the pool for anyone to bid on, which means the best record in the league last year doesn't carry over into a single roster spot. Gibbs held in at Lions camp before giving reporters a thumbs-up on a deal, and while OC Drew Petzing praised him during the standoff, Dan Campbell was a lot more pointed about it — "My job is to coach who's out there right now," per FOX Sports and NFL.com — production Sinn will now have to outbid the room for instead of keeping for pennies. Sinn ran this league at 11-3 last year and still hasn't lifted a trophy since 2019 — a fact, not a shot, though it functions as both.

8. Joe Buck Yourself (Ryan Weaver)

Barnwall liked the surplus math here, but the actual keepers Weaver locked in are Javonte Williams and Parker Washington, which is a solid low-cost floor, not a headline. Jonathan Taylor just signed a two-year, $44 million extension with the Colts, per FOX Sports, and Derrick Henry remains one of the better value bets in the whole $200 pool — but both go back into the auction for Weaver to re-earn, same as everyone else.

9. Jackson for Heisman (Kevin Jones)

Barnwall's A grade here leans on the three names Kevin Jones actually locked in as keepers: Rashee Rice, Cam Skattebo and Colston Loveland. RJ Harvey and Matthew Golden are still on the roster for now, but they go back into the auction with everybody else, so grading this room around them is premature. Rice, Skattebo and Loveland is a real three-man class. The rest of this room is a hope, not a roster.

10. Sir, TheyHitThe2ndBowers (Ollie Simmonds)

Brock Bowers and George Pickens are the two keepers Ollie actually locked in, and that's still a legitimate building block at tight end and receiver. Ollie's one of the managers in this league who's reached a final before and still hasn't closed it out. Two keepers this good is a start. It is not good enough for top half.

11. Chase Greatness (John Penney)

Ja'Marr Chase and Chase Brown is a fine little Bengals stack, and Caleb Williams has the full institutional backing of Chicago's coaching staff — "He's taken complete control," per Ben Johnson's comments to ESPN. But that's a Bears storyline, not a fantasy asset, and Travis Kelce at this stage of his career is a keepsake, not a plan.

12. ArabMamba6 (Ryan El Masri)

Saquon Barkley's teammates are already selling a vintage encore — Eagles lineman Lane Johnson promising the "Saquon from two years ago," per Yahoo Sports — and that's genuinely exciting. But Malik Nabers, Emeka Egbuka (nursing a toe injury per that same Yahoo Sports roundup) and Omarion Hampton is a lot of youth and volatility for a room still finding its footing. This is only El Masri's third season running this franchise, and it shows.

That's the list. Twelve rooms, zero dollar signs, zero surplus math. Barnwall can keep his spreadsheet — I'll be over here watching the games.