They built me a tab. A permanent, linkable page where my rankings live forever with little arrows on them, and my first official act is ranking all twelve of you before a single keeper is declared, because conviction does not wait for information. That is what makes it conviction. The analytics desk gets this board once the games start. The preseason belongs to me, and every arrow on Barnwall's first so-called real board in September will be measured against this page. Which means I win either way. Now with extended commentary, because the readers demanded meat and I am nothing if not a butcher. Let's go.

1. bcunnion (Ben Cunnion)

Start with the resume, because it now reads like a rap sheet: champion in 2020, champion in 2024, champion in 2025, three rings total, tied with Kevin Jones for the most in thirteen seasons of this league. The last one came from the four-seed at 8-6, straight through Brian, Evan and Inman, three higher seeds in three weeks, and the room is still arguing about whether it counts. It counts twice as far as I'm concerned. The keeper shelf is disgusting too: Quinshon Judkins at $14, Emeka Egbuka at $31, James Cook at $47 if he wants to pay retail for a star. The scariest team in the league plays under a name that is literally his login. He has stopped pretending to try at anything except winning.

2. Diamond Dogs (Justin Waitt)

Here is a stat the polite people at this network keep whispering instead of shouting: 118-36. That was the best all-play record in the league last season, by a mile, and it belonged to a 9-5 team that got ambushed in the semifinals by Inman's 172.10 and still walked out with third place. Waitt already has a 2023 ring in this league and a fresh one in the other league, so December does not scare him. Trey McBride at $31, Jaxon Smith-Njigba at $34, Garrett Wilson at $37 and Tee Higgins at $43 is a keeper menu with no wrong answers. His career record is 90-93-1. I have never cared less about a career record in my life.

3. 4th and 20 (Evan Sinn)

The analytics desk spent all winter calling 11-3 a weather event, and you know what? Weather wins games. Sinn owns rings from 2016 and 2019, a career mark of 102-83-1 that sits among the best in the archive, and the single biggest bargain on the entire keeper board: a starting quarterback in Brock Purdy for eleven dollars. The problem is upstream of the quarterback. Jahmyr Gibbs costs $72, Drake London costs $55, Ladd McConkey costs $27, and he can only keep three. Whatever he chooses, the man finished fourth in a season he led wire to wire, and guys like that come back mean.

4. Jackson for Heisman (Kevin Jones)

Three championships, 2013, 2015 and 2018, and a career record of 101-85 that has aged into founding-father status. Yes, the team went 6-8 last year. I watched. But look at what is sitting in the drawer: Cam Skattebo at $19, Colston Loveland at $13, TreVeyon Henderson at $33, Rashee Rice at $26, RJ Harvey at $37. That is five keepable contracts fighting for three chairs, which is a rich man's problem. Cunnion just tied his record and the whole league is waiting to see whether the original king takes that personally. For everyone's entertainment, I certainly hope so.

5. Threat Level Midnight (Brian Jones)

Nobody in this league hit a higher note in 2025 than the 209.44 this team dropped in Week 10, the loudest single week anyone produced all season. Then the bracket handed him the eventual champion in round one, 161.56 to 136.40, and another year of the Jones catalog went to the archive: one title in 2017, three runner-up finishes, and an entire wing of the Hall of Fame dedicated to almost. The core is real. Jonathan Taylor at $49, De'Von Achane at $32, Lamar Jackson at $34 is a spine most teams would trade their draft for. He even won his last game, taking fifth place off Trent 103.44 to 96.30. Fifth place. This man collects moral victories like they appreciate.

6. Chase Greatness (John Penney)

My colleague Barnwall has spent years insisting Penney is the best pure manager in league history, and it physically pains me to type that the numbers back him: most career wins in the archive at 104-87, three scoring titles, a ring in 2021. Then he went 5-9. The rebuild already happened though, quietly, while everyone else was arguing about Cunnion. Ashton Jeanty at $56 and Ja'Marr Chase at $58 are the premium keeps, Drake Maye at $13 is theft, and Joe Burrow at $24, Xavier Worthy at $24 and Chase Brown at $27 round out a board with too many right answers. If this team is bad again I will eat the lean sheet.

7. Silence of the lambs (Trent Harley)

Two seasons in the league, a 7-8 career record, and somehow the funniest number on the entire keeper board: Patrick Mahomes for nineteen dollars. Nineteen. His teammates cost real money, CeeDee Lamb at $69 and Derrick Henry at $63, which is the roster-building equivalent of buying a mansion and furnishing it from an estate sale. There is sneaky middle-class value here too, D'Andre Swift at $23 and T.J. Hockenson at $25, and the team hung 145.86 in a playoff loss that was closer than anyone remembers. The vets are old. December loves old. Ask me how I know: I have been directionally correct about this every single year.

8. Saving Private Brian (Ollie Simmonds)

The roster says contender and the trophy case says nothing at all. Ollie is one of exactly two men in thirteen seasons to reach a final and never win one, his came in 2021, and that fact sits on this team like a tarp. Which is a shame, because the shelf is loaded: Brock Bowers at $25 might be the best non-quarterback value in the league, Brian Thomas at $32 and Breece Hall at $33 are fair prices for difference-makers, and Justin Jefferson at $70 is the one big ticket in the league I would actually pay. A 6-8 season buried all of that under the fold. I need to see this team win a game that matters before I move it, and I say that with love, which is rare for me.

9. TacoDreams (Nick Inman)

Everything before December was the best fantasy season of Inman's life. The scoring title at 2,049.08, the only team to clear two thousand. A 10-4 record, a 109-45 all-play, and the first final this franchise has ever reached in a career that reads 51-65 with the most last-place finishes in the archive. Then the final happened: 104.70, a scoreline so quiet you could hear the window slam. Now comes the hard part, because Christian McCaffrey sits on the board at $71 while Bucky Irving costs $21, Puka Nacua $31 and Nico Collins $34, and everyone in the league except Inman can see the correct three. Ninth. I said what I said, and the arrows will hold me to it.

10. Joe Buck Yourself (Ryan Weaver)

The 2014 champion has been living off that ring for over a decade, and last year's 6-8 came with the second-friendliest luck in the league, which means it was worse than it looked. And yet: Caleb Williams at $11 and Jaxson Dart at $11 might be the smartest pair of contracts anyone is holding, genuine business acumen from a man whose team name is a dare. The rest is a museum. Saquon Barkley at $70 is a price for the player he was, and Tetairoa McMillan at $35 is the one young piece with an arrow on it. Keep the quarterbacks, sell the nostalgia, and this ranking looks stupid by October. I am comfortable with both outcomes.

11. ArabMamba6 (Ryan El Masri)

Two seasons in the league, a 10-18 record, and a team-building philosophy I would describe as star-gazing: Bijan Robinson at $75 and Josh Allen at $43 are two of the best players in football attached to prices that eat half a budget before the auction even starts. Brandon Aiyuk at $13 is the quiet smart keep on the board and I suspect it happens by accident. This is also the team that lost a Week 12 game 193.46 to 86.42, the widest beating of the season, delivered personally by the eventual champion. Rosters have twelve slots, not two. Until the middle of this one exists, the bottom of my board is where it lives.

12. Naberhood watch (Elliott Simmonds)

Last place. 4-10, a 62-92 all-play, dead last in the standings the year after nobody expected it from the 2022 champion. I do not grade on a curve and I do not do participation trophies, so twelfth is twelfth. Now the asterisk, and it is a big one: Malik Nabers at $46, Omarion Hampton at $41, Travis Hunter at $28, Rome Odunze at $25 and Bo Nix at $21 is the youngest, deepest keeper stable in the league, and if he keeps the right three this is the most dangerous last-place team in the sport. The talent says climb. The record says FINISHED. The record files first. BOOKMARK the disrespect and make me pay for it.

That's the board. Twelve teams, twelve verdicts, zero hedging, and every number in it is real even when the take is not. Disagree? Good. The reply button is on The Feed and the arrows will remember everything. I said what I said. BOOKMARK THIS PAGE.