Let's establish the baseline, obviously: Week 1 of a fantasy season tells you almost nothing, and any manager who tells you otherwise is the same person who'll tell you their career record means something in Week 1 (looking at you, Evan Sinn, owner of a 102-83-1 career record and somehow still not immune to my Fraud Watch). The sample here is so small it's barely a sample. Three games finished as actual decisions. Three ended 0.0 to 0.0, which is not a typo, it's a coin flip that forgot to flip. And yet the assignment is power rankings, so here they are, ranked with the rigor the moment does not deserve.

A note before we start: I am aware several of these scores round to zero. I am also aware that means nothing about true talent, expected points, or all-play positioning, which remains the only honest record in this league and which I will keep saying until the record book listens. Someone tell Costanza.

1. Justin Waitt — Diamond Dogs. Waitt's 4.1 points were the high score of the week, built almost entirely on Jaxon Smith-Njigba doing the only meaningful thing that happened in Week 1. Josh Allen and Ashton Jeanty combined for nothing, which should terrify a team leaning on two premium assets to be difference-makers, but a win is a win, even a 4.1-point one.

2. Elliott Simmonds — All Gas No Drakes. Second-highest score of the week at 4.04, with Drake Maye and Jadarian Price splitting the workload almost perfectly down the middle. Elliott's career regular-season record sits at 79-68-1, which is solid and unspectacular in exactly the way his playoff record (2-5) has always undersold. Not this week, though. This week he's undefeated.

3. Ollie Simmonds — Sir, TheyHitThe2ndBowers. A win built on 1.7 points from A.J. Brown and nothing else, which is either the most efficient victory in league history or proof that Trevor Lawrence's offense doesn't exist yet. Ollie remains the league's answer to "how do you make the finals without ever touching a trophy," and a Week 1 win by 1.7 does nothing to change that trajectory.

4. John Penney — Chase Greatness. Zero points, a tie, and I still have him fourth, because the roster (Caleb Williams, Chase Brown, Tony Pollard) is the best-constructed team that produced nothing this week, and Penney remains the manager my model likes more than the standings ever will. Three points-champ finishes and a title in his career, and this scoreless week still won't change how badly the standings undervalue him. I notice these things.

5. Ryan Weaver — Joe Buck Yourself. Also zero, also tied, but Weaver's career regular-season record of 88-85-1 is the definition of replacement level, so a scoreless Week 1 tracks. Jonathan Taylor and Derrick Henry produced literally nothing, which is either a data quirk or a preview of a very long season for the backfield.

6. Ryan El Masri — ArabMamba6. A newcomer with a career mark of 10-18 fielding Jalen Hurts, Saquon Barkley, and Omarion Hampton, none of whom bothered to show up. The talent on paper is genuinely good. The team name is still just his username, which I will keep pointing out until someone fixes it.

7. Trent Harley — I paid $16 for Jennings. Another newcomer, seven career wins to his name, and a roster (Burrow, Bijan, Etienne) that should be scoring points eventually. Zero this week. The name is the best thing about the team so far, which is a real problem if you're trying to win games instead of Twitter likes.

8. Evan Sinn — 4th and 20. Sinn carries two career championships and a career record of 102-83-1, and he still opened this year with a scoreless tie despite rostering Jayden Daniels and Jahmyr Gibbs. Obviously this is one week. Obviously I am enjoying it anyway.

9. Ben Cunnion — bcunnion. A three-time champion I still regard, on the merits, as the most fortunate titles in this league's history, tied at zero points in Week 1 with a team that still doesn't have a real name. James Cook and Quinshon Judkins combined for nothing. The trophies are real. The process behind them is not, and neither, apparently, is Week 1.

10. Nick Inman — TacoDreams. A loss, but Inman's 1.2 points from Rhamondre Stevenson at least count as points, which is more than half this league can claim. Inman's career includes a single runner-up finish that still hasn't turned into a ring, and this scoreless-adjacent opener does nothing to change that pattern.

11. Brian Jones — Cameron Crazies. Bo Nix, De'Von Achane, and Kyren Williams combined to produce a literal zero, which is a genuinely funny way for a former champion — one whose career also includes three runner-up finishes — to open a season. He's not ringless. He's just currently scoreless.

12. Kevin Jones — Wade for Heisman. Three championships, a playoff record (8-4) tied for the best in the sample, shared with Cunnion and Sinn, and a Week 1 line of exactly zero points from Dak Prescott, Jeremiyah Love, and Kenneth Walker. Last place in the power rankings for one of the most decorated managers in the room. That's Week 1 for you: the numbers were never in question, they were just embarrassing.

Check back after real games are played. I will be here, updating the Fraud Watch regardless.